So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
