I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
