I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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