i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My ass is underappreciated
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
