I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
