It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
