I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
