Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
