UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
