was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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