her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
