You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
