I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
