i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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