I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
