Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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