I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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