Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
