Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
