My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
