i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
