the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
