Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
