I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
