I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I could fuck to npr.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
