Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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