I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
