Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
