So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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