When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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