i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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