you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
