Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize