He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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