I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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