One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize