there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
