I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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