I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
