You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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