just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
