There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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