dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
