I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
