She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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