you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
