The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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