Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize