Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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