wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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