I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
