I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i drank out of a bidet.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
