God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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