you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize